The Bottle on the Higher Shelf
The last time you prolly read something off here, I ended on a sad note. I thought I’d just update you: I’m much better now. Finally.
It took almost five months, but I’m finally out of that anxious spell I was in. Was I depressed? Likely. (But nothing I can confirm clinically.) It’s good to be out of the deep now though.
Quite the timing, actually… Taurus season. Stability, self-care, sensuality, all that. I actually lived it. Peak mood was cuddling in bed with a Taurus, basking in content with where my life was.
Nope. Wasn’t in a relationship. Still not. Instead, I found someone else… myself. Yes, I said it — myself. Since dating God knows who, I made good on the promise to do me first.
Over the season, I started investing in my craft — took dance classes, got back into the groove of my voice lessons, planning on some acting lessons. I igned on for a new show doing a funny role. I had a commercial come out. I’m at the cusp of starting a business with some good friends. I got a 3.5 in my sole MBA class. I’m getting myself together, yo.
Recently, I read a review of Lizzo’s album, Cuz I Love You. It marveled at the confidence she had in choosing to love herself, made most evident by the track “Soulmate.” I had to listen to it, and I instantly found myself in that song. I made a playlist* out of it actually, and so far, it’s been a good reminder to put all that nurturing energy I have into someone who deserves it.
I won’t say it’s easy. There were moments of weakness, I’ll be honest. Loneliness always knocks on my door. But sometimes, worse, it’s ex-flings. Remember, the last person I dated from that previous blog? Yep, came a knockin’.
I said no in the beginning. But somehow, I found it futile to resist the feelings I still had. Naikuwento ko naman, diba? Okay kasi eh. So I gave in and tried again. But just as before, it didn’t work out.
I chose to be there for someone on the bad days. And for that, I was told, “That makes me think you love yourself less than I do myself.” That was the biggest insult I got last month.
But okay, it made me reevaluate, did I not love myself? Luis, ‘yung pinaghirapan natin, napunta ba sa wala? I wrestled with that thought. Why was I willingly putting myself through all that toxic energy? Maybe I didn’t love myself. Maybe I was back at my self-destructive ways. But I couldn’t sit still with that thought, so I kept questioning it.
The answer I arrived at? I do love myself. Fuck you.
In fact, I realized that I had enough love to share. So yes, maybe I chose to share it with the wrong person. I mean, I’m not immune to bad decisions. But at the end of the day, I was still putting in the time and effort for myself. That’s self-love, babe.
So if I had enough to share, why didn’t I stick it out and keep giving? Well, plain and simple, you can’t love a black hole… it’ll drain all of you. At some point, you need to realize when you’re not getting back the love you’re giving.
So I said, “I don’t have the time or energy for excuses and apologies. I need someone who can fight for me.” Via text. Because I’m cold-hearted lyk dat.
Hey, you. Dear reader. Know that you deserve it. We all do.
That’s what I realized. We all need someone that can love us back. But more importantly, you gotta love yourself first. Actually… I already knew that. I had been learning it along the way. I just needed the reminder.
Go forth and multiply that energy, kids.
Anyway, it’s Gemini season now, and I’m out going on dates again. Let’s hope I’ve amassed enough social energy for this. Oh, feel free to send someone good my way. ;)
*Follow my playlist here! You know what I realized though? It’s the ladies that often sing about loving themselves. Is this fragile masculinity refusing to believe they too need to pick themselves up? Or maybe I just haven’t been exposed to those kinds of songs. In which case, send some over.
