Dance. Diego. Lizzo.

I didn’t start the year in the best of places. I’ll admit that. I barely made it out of 2018 — heart weary, will exhausted, psyche anxious. I carried all that with me into 2019. And boy, was it a burden. I was barely hanging on up until March.

I was part of a wonderful show, Musikal nAPO!, yes. I scored a 4.0 — perfect — on the one class I was taking that trimester, hell yes. I was surrounded by all these magnificent people, God, yes. But honestly, I just felt like shit. Don’t get me wrong — I was grateful. I couldn’t have been any less than. But you see, when anxiety strikes, it spares no mercy.

I felt like dead weight in the cast. I didn’t know if I brought anything to the role I was given, or if any of my efforts were worthwhile. I didn’t find any purpose waking up at such ungodly hours for school. I didn’t know who to trust. And while the people around me never lacked in support and love, I had this looming sense that everyone hated me. And I’ll say it, I was heartbroken.

Woo child, tired of the bullshit
Go on dust your shoulders off, keep it moving

In last year’s essay, I said I needed to focus on myself. And so I did. But hell, it wasn’t easy. Apart from the physical exhaustion of work and school, I didn’t have much time for myself, and when I did, I was just trying to console myself from all the heavy doubts and emotions I was swimming in.

But when it did start to come together was when I started to dance more. In April, I decided to enroll myself in dance classes at Galaw.Co. With all the dancing I had done in my last few shows, I thought it’d be a good investment to improve my body’s vocabulary.

Four weeks of jazz, ballet, folk and improv. As it went by, I started to feel myself improve. I was growing a little more limber, a little more flexible, and above it all, a little more confident. Where I used to fret over what step would happen next, I just let my body move. It was magic.

That’s dance, really. Being less in your head and just allowing yourself to flow with the rhythm. And I guess, that’s life as well. The past few months, I had been so caught up with so much overthinking that I wasn’t able to make peace with what was happening in the now. The philosophy of dance let me get back to that.

In one of our closing activities, someone shared that dance class was a therapy session. I wholeheartedly agree. Where much of my work already is about expression, dance class helped me with self-expression. Where the words to my pain were feeble and embarassing, my body was able to say it with rawness and passion. It was liberating to be told, this is your body, now tell your story. I needed that.

Now, I’m officially part of Galaw.Co. While I don’t have the guts to call myself a dancer just yet, I’m still pretty proud of where I am. And I’m gamely excited for what’s to come. *wink February wink*

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Don’t say it, ’cause I know I’m cute

By July, I found myself in my second production of the year, The Quest for the Adarna. Truth be told, I never thought I’d ever do a children’s production, but with a bit of a push, I found myself back on the Repertory stage as Prince Diego, the dashing — albeit simple-minded—second prince of Berbania.

Fun fact: I originally read for the younger, dreamer of a prince. Playing to type, I guess. But when I saw just how funny Diego could be, I said I want that role. And I got it, as if our director was reading my thoughts.

Creating him was a lot of fun — genuinely one of the most exciting things I’ve done this year. A lot of stuff got cut in the making, but boy, just exploring all the readings and gags I could do in the rehearsal room was a wild process. I loved making people laugh, and my cast mates were quite generous with the laughter.

But aside from that, I had to figure out the swagger. Diego is handsome and vain, and if you know me, then you know that I’m painfully awkward. While I can look it in pictures, confidence just doesn’t ooze out of my pores. So being him was learning to build that up… not just for the character, but for myself as well. I didn’t want to seem like I was phoning the character in, but that also meant, I genuinely had to feel like I wasn’t phoning myself in.

I had to fix my posture and my walk, put some regality into it. And a bit of angas. I spent hours in the gym — a real lifestyle commitment that I’m still making. I studied all these characters and tried to pick up on their verve and mannerisms — Ryan Shay from Suburgatory, Chris Pine’s Prince from Into the Woods, and yes, even Johnny Bravo. I wanted to get to a point where I could strike a macho pose in front of a crowd and not feel ashamed about it.

Really, beyond the physical, it was a lot of self-encouragement. It was looking at the mirror and liking what you see and who you see — enough that you can tell the world, damn, you fine. So even in creating this character, I was already recreating myself.

And I’d say it’s all paid off. I’ve been doing the show for four months now, and I still haven’t tired of it. It’s a good one, one I’m mighty proud of. I mean, I could do without the 8am call times (I mean, there’s a reason I ain’t in corporate), but I won’t fuss over it. It always feels refreshing to get right back onstage, step into this character and tell this story, especially because our audiences — these kids — are really getting something from it. It’s reaffirming to know you’re contributing towards their appreciation of theater, the arts, and Filipino culture. And it doesn’t hurt when you make them laugh either.

Truly, this show makes me happy.

True love ain’t something you can buy yourself
True love finally happens when you by yourself
So if you by yourself, then go and buy yourself
Another round from the bottle on the higher shelf

If you need to ask… no, I was single the whole year. In fact, my birthday marked my second anniversary. But you know what, I’m good with that.

No, it’s not as glamorous as it seems. It wasn’t all #metime, dating myself and single and lovin’ it. All that Instagram business is just a Band-Aid. Helpful, yes, but at the end of the day, there’s a lot more work underneath it.

It wasn’t as easy as blasting Lizzo non-stop until you suddenly believed it — though she did help a lot. One of my favorite performances of hers was at the VMAs. It wasn’t even when she was belting like a boss or twerking up on everybody’s business. It was in her breakdown, “I’m tired of the bullshit. And I don’t have to know your story to know you’re tired of the bullshit, too.” You speakin’ to me, Liz?

“It’s so hard trying to love yourself in a world that doesn’t love you back, am I right? So I want to take this opportunity just now, to just feel good as hell. Because you deserve to feel good as hell.”

Damn right, I deserve it. And really, I had to constantly remind myself I was worth it.

A friend once asked if my read of self-love was a battle to confront self-loathing. I replied, I don’t think I ever really hated myself. What it was is this sea of doubt… that I’ll ever amount to anything, that I’ll ever deserve love, that I’ll ever be truly happy. I’d let the whole world dictate the kind of happiness I needed, when deep inside, I already have what I need. And I have what it takes. And I don’t need someone else’s affection or affirmation to know that. I just needed to feel comfortable in my own skin. And I’m glad I worked on that this year.

It’s been up and down, if I’m being real. Sure, there still are nights when you’re longing for someone to hold, desperate to feel loved. And that’s normal. We’re social, sexual beings after all. If I’m being honest, I’ve thought about my exes and ex-nothings a lot… a lot of what-ifs, what-could’ve-beens, and what-would-happen-if-we-tried-right-nows. I’d get so obssessed that I had to remind myself to get out of that headspace. Treat yo’self to some milktea.

But I’ve realized there’s more to life when you realize you’ve got yourself to root for you. So I know that when the right person comes, I’ll be, as Lizzo put it, 100% that bitch. Not a half that needs filling — the whole mothafuckin’ package.

‘Cause I’m my own soulmate
I know how to love me
I know that I’m always gonna hold me down

A couple of nights before the year ended, a friend asked me what I was most grateful for in 2019. I thought about it for a bit and replied, “taking dance classes, playing Prince Diego in Adarna, and Lizzo.” That’s it. That really is it.